Here comes the warm weather: yay! Slowly but surely, the days are becoming slightly less painful. Now, in late March, if it’s windy it’s at LEAST sunny at the same time. Or if it’s snowing the ground is to warm for any accumulation. Huzzah! But do you know what else is happening?
All around Greater Portland and her extending arms of coastline and roadways our neighborhoods are filling with a very familiar, very obnoxious sound: the coming of the ice cream truck.
Don’t get me wrong — I, perhaps more than anyone, love the concept of a mobile ice cream delivering mechanism. I appreciate walking down the street and just as soon as I think ‘Gosh it’s hot out,’ some white, big-windowed van pops out from an intersection and all icy, trans-fat related withdrawal symptoms are alleviated.
But. I’ve. Had. Just. About. Enough. of TURKEY IN THE STRAW. The Entertainer. And we’re not talking live recordings of American heritage songs, no, we’re talking serious MIDI compositions of otherwise normal and good songs (albeit slightly obnoxious). And the hurtle full blast through the neighborhood not once, not twice, but upwards of 10 to 15 times a day in the height of summer vacation.
Some more important things to note: if there were another type of vehicle that drove ominously slow through neighborhoods, small children running willy-nilly towards it, all the while playing the same song over and over again over a loudspeaker (let’s say, for the sake of argument, Kanye’s “POWER” or anything by Bob Seger… just something so specific and not at all related to the actual purpose of this imaginary vehicle) then sure as SHOOT the members of that neighborhood might call in a noise complaint, raise suspicions about traffic safety, etc. etc.
So, heretofore, I propose the following changes:
1. Less ice cream trucks. With more ground to cover and less adults to annoy ice cream truck drivers will be raking in the dough and I will be able to keep my windows open in the summertime without jamming pencils in my ears.
2. A NEW SONG, PLEASE! Or, even better, that familiar ‘ding ding!’ of the old timey ice cream trucks that existed back in the day, before we sold out the peace and quiet of our neighborhoods for the sake of our children having more opportunities to get fat.
3. Awesome racing stripes. This has nothing to do with anything but seriously, how cool would that be?
4. Better ice-cream-truck-driver-radar. Either the same guy is driving psychotically around East Bayside all day in hopes that he’ll find more children than the ones who have already bought three choco tacos from him OR it’s multiple drivers overlapping territory. I have a hunch that it’s the latter because, seriously, have you ever purchased a TwoBall ScrewBall from those guys? They’re vicious and super shifty.
5. More options. I don’t know when Portland’s going to catch wind of what Brooklynites and New Yorkers already know, which is: food, no matter what kind, always tastes better when it comes out of a truck. Falafel, BBQ, cookies, sno cones, samosas, kniches, and on and on. If it’s prepared somewhere sitting atop wheels and purchased while walking it will taste better. So send the ice cream truck through but mix it up a little with some visits from the corn-dog-mobile and the cheesecake-deliverer in between!
I feel much better now. All this came flooding forth today after an ice cream truck driver gave me a stupid look when I turned left on to a street they were on. Hello, jerk, it’s March 26th and it’s still freakin’ freezing out. Go home and wait until the crocuses are out to start annoying me! And stop looking at me funny.